My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
You Might Also Like
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage