Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.

Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.

Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.

Iron Man: *eats chips*

Ant Man: *eats microchips*

Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”

Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?

it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund

When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.

No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.

Women because they’re embarrassed

Men because they’ll start laughing

Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend

are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.

Only the dog is happy about this.

Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.

Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.

I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.

me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now

devil: done! wait, what the h-

me: no takebacksies

devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit

“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.

I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.

Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.

“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.

Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”

16: They asked me for my email.

12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!

16: Ewww, I know!

*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me

My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.

WTF. I was looking right at her.

[Jeopardy]

Disease for $500 Alex

“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”

What’s better than catching a man cold?

“Correct!”

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.