My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
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I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”