My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
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My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Traffic stop
Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car
Me: it was like that when I bought it
we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”
I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”