My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
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Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
This is the one
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?