My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
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employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Batman v Dracula
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table