My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

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Salamanders are the most passive aggressive animal. You grab their tail and they’re like “have that one, I don’t even want it”


[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R


Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again


advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them


House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*


Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.

Me: Why, do you hear laughter?


If there was any award for laziness, I probably would send someone to pick it up for me.


Earlier today I went to a girl’s highschool soccer game and there was a rough play where two players went to the ground. I guess one of them pulled the other’s hair so she gets up and says “I liked it better when your bf pulled my hair” not even the ref knew what to do. I fainted


Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*

Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats


I like to have a glass of water around to make sure there aren’t any dinosaurs approaching.