My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
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Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Why I divorced her.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
dogs can find happiness so easily
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.