My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
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I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
“and how does that make you feel?”
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
