Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?

The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress

The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.

I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”

I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.

Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.

bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1

There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.

Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent

my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week

*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation

her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu

Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*

I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”

Calls for kids: Nobody responds.

Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.

It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”

IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.

The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages

I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.

i finally quit drinking for good

now i drink for evil

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.

Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.

Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:

you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers

I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”

Ooh I do like a good funnel

How can I say no to this ?

A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.

“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”