My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
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Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
ouch
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
There are usually two types of merchants.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”