My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
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don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
We need more people like this.
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.