My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
You Might Also Like
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Every
Single
Year
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular