My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
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I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.
I bet it would have sold millions.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.