My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
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Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.