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How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Was it something I said?
The woke left? Without saying goodbye?
All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
S O O N
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife: