Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.

Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes

This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.

FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…

For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.

Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter

me when I see my crush

Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?

Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.

6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?

11: Post Melon

6:

I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.

If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.

My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.

I gave her money for her ticket.

The boy paid.

I did not get my money back.

I learned an important lesson about dating today.

[Thor Love and Thunder]

me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR

cinema guy: please stop doing this

I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane

if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.

6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?

Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)

(Later, 4:30pm)

6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?

Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!

6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?

Me: Absolutely not.

(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.

I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”

Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?

20s: insufficient funds

30s: insufficient fun

someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend

I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.

I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.

The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.

Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’

Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.