Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving

Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords

“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*

“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces

Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.

It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit

[meeting the parents]

Dad: what do you think of Baroque?

Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.

[on first date]

I’ll have an iced tea, please.

Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?

I’m going to normalize a new trend.

Unsolicited *CROC* pics

me: dentist said the kids have the plague

wife: plaque

me: yes a memorial would be good

If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.

Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious

LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me

*driving away from a heist*

guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping

i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.

my first dose meeting my second

My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.

ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.

my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps

I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep

Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented

Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.

Favourite diary entry ever

Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.

Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides

I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything

governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert

Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other

I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.