Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
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Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows