My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
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KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Education is vital
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.