My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
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There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Yes
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.