Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider

Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’

DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.

Wife: we argue a lot about money

Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-

Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.

Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.

Hey! This isn’t my car!

Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.

ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie

THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?

ME: Oh yeah

Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text

Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft

ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty

sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks

Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!

Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad

My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park

Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.

Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.

So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.

It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.

I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.

Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.

Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.

Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee

At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs

People: My cell phone isn’t working today

Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.

People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?

Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.

me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?

therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good

hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what

I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.

I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.

Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.