My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
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Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
These aliens are taking forever.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car