Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers

My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible

Me: *smiling from ear to ear*

Plastic surgeon: My bad.

Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries

Cable guy:

[mall]

Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.

*looks in purse*

*waves at testicles*

Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!

thinking about a very short hotdog

Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years

Me *makes note in diary* will do

A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean

My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime

Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”

Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’

Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.

Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?

Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.

10 minutes later:

Me: So… I snore??

My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.

“What’s that?”

“It’s a therapy cat.”

“It looks like a chihuahua.”

“That’s why the therapy.”

The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.

Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?

All other inmates (in unison): No.

since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.

Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel

5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.

2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.

I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.

This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.

“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”