Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..

Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*

hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺

Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man

As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled

Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.

I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

[Interview]

“Describe yourself in one word.”

Me: Lethargic.

I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.

my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?

my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt

Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.

Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber

Me: I’m tired

My brain: turn on the tv

Me: but I need sleep

My brain: go pay some bills

Me: I’m so exhausted

My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes

Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise

Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.

God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.

Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:

M-What do I have to do?

F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.

Mission accomplished.

WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys

ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?

The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.

shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to

A dog needs to be the next president.

“A dog can’t-”

When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?

“I’ll start the paperwork.”

Word.

~ Microsoft.

My work here is don’t.

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?

Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.

Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.