My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
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Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
same but as an audience member
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.