My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
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After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee