In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
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Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
I’m sure I don’t need to tell you the first rule of Patronising Club, because you’re so smart, sweetie. *boops your nose
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Date: *sees my guitar case* oh you play?
Me: i dabble *opens guitar case to reveal violin case*
Me: *opens violin case to reveal kazoo*
Date: actually i just remembered i’m married
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes