@TheBoydP

My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?

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@weinerdog4life

In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!

@Browtweaten

Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now

Woman: Okay but still, what the hell

Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror

@mostly_cheese

OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers

DETECTIVE: dear god

OFFICER: most likely yes

@MsSkarsgaard

I’m sure I don’t need to tell you the first rule of Patronising Club, because you’re so smart, sweetie. *boops your nose

@stenokel

Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*

@doguacate

when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog

@sonictyrant

Date: *sees my guitar case* oh you play?

Me: i dabble *opens guitar case to reveal violin case*

Date: um

Me: *opens violin case to reveal kazoo*

Date: actually i just remembered i’m married

@pleatedjeans

[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE

@stuckinaportal

*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*

wtf?

“dad i can explain”

u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes