My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
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Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor