Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.

It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.

I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.

I wanted something with no strings attached.

My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.

Most terrifying carousel ride ever.

My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.

Amazon review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”

I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders

Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day

me: anything interesting happen today?

my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.

Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

I just like to keep my options open

-me, setting six alarms on my phone

Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.

No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.

My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.

If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.

Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro

Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply

Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that

My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”

I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race

Him: Take them off. All of them.

*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans

Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.

The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.

I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.

hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.

[eye doctor’s office]

receptionist: do you have vision insurance

me: yup *hands over card*

receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate

me: but my eyes are in my body

receptionist:

me: and they’re unhealthy

The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”

So I took his Visa

A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*

[3 years later]

COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…

Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat

*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop

If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.