My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
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going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Catering service
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing