Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”

Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?

Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*

yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…

Death: I’m coming for you.

Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.

Death: Lol, k.

Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.

Death: You’re not even that hot.

I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues

Imagine having a party on purpose.

I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.

I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.

Me: You’re going to prison?

My French accountant: Oui

Me: WE are going to prison?

“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”

“$3.23.”

“Oh, and a bottle of water.”

“$87.54. Please drive thru.”

Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.

I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.

Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir

My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally

People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me

giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change

ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun

Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.

Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?

I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…

Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?

*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*

Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?

Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.

Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!

Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.

I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.

I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.

mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will