My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
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Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.