My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
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If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.