My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
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Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”
AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.