My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
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I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”