My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
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Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.