Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.

Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?

Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.

last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes

People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding

[me as an uber driver]

yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.

I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.

[speed dating]

Her: THIS IS NICE

Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO

Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?

Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED

Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.

roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!

Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*

*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true

Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant

Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat

March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.

July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.

Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”

Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.

me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there

friend: that bad huh

me: you have no idea

[earlier in the bathroom]

man in the corner: *throwing pennies*

me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me

Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.

Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*

god: call them deer

angel: ok. what do they look like

god: eh pretty normal

angel: ok

god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.

“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis

Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb

My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.

WTF. I was looking right at her.

The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.

Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.

I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl