My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
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COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
dead inside
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.