My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
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Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.