My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
You Might Also Like
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
aura
The three genders
