my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
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“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
God gives his toughest battles to his bravest soldiers (I am comfortable in bed and left my water on the dresser)
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
I have never related to anyone more.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no