Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.

2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?

Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.

[Being murdered]

You’re on my hair

So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.

Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..

To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”

I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them

Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.

To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.

From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”

When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one

Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.

I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.

Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.

Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.

Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.

As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?

When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William

i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁

Everyone stop over reacting!

There was no Earthquake….

I slipped in the shower, these things happen…

DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again

ME, AN OCTOPUS: what

ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best

Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.

Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.

Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?

Me: Two.

4-year-old: It was nine.

Teaching her to count was a mistake.

911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed

Being a parent:

Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….

Hahahahahahahaah.

Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.