My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
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No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
at ease…shoulder.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
my first day as a raccoon
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”