Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.

[leaning over bathroom sink]

Me: *clips fingernail*

Fingernail: *lands in Italy*

Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep

ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?

The person who named the eggplant must have been:

a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high

I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.

i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free

If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality

10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.

What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?

When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.

Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.

Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.

Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.

Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?

Him: Yes.

Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.

Me: Do you have homework?

11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?

The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here

What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond

Looking for a date, he must

-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long

Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.

My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.

I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.

Red Bull gives you wings.

Sugar Daddy gives you things.

How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin

Time Traveler: “What year is it?”

Me: “2020”

Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”

Me

Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-

Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?

“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.

“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”

Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.

I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.

When you pick your nose after dusting the house

No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.