My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
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Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
*aggressively waits in line*
Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?