Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.

She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..

JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody

ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-

JOHN LENNON: not just anybody

ME: damn wow okay

Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway

People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-

Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered

[moving day]

Me: Here we go. Bye house.

Husband: You forgot the kids.

Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.

Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.

Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.

The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.

Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.

“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”

-my phone

Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.

I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.

I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble

Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.

Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.

[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*

[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body

Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.

my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..

movie exec: i’m not sure that..

me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park

movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..

*seduces you by wearing a sundress

*ruins it by running in flip flops

If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed

I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean

jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet

The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.

I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.

I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older