my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
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If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
New comic up. “Ransom”
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”