Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…

Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.

Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.

[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.

I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.

boss: what are u doing

me: *pretends to read email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”

5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?

Me: To look pretty.

5: But she’s already pretty.

Me: Aww.

5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

How about daylight saves us for once

My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.

I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.

Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.

My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.

I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.

She: “I am expecting…”

Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”

She: “…someone at 3.”

Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes

AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”

Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.

Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel

French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.

Me: Where’s the 5th?

FG: Cinq.

[Pet store]

Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”

Me: “You can’t prove that.”

*My purse starts barking*

Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?

Paid. Gamer. Leave.

Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).

Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.

Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.

when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.

With this onion ring, I thee fed

cat faces on other animals, a thread

Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces