Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.

-husbands everywhere

Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.

My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.

Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”

Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.

“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?

While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”

“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo

wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?

My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?

Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.

target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.

Eating my way out of the ball pit.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.

Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”

Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”

I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.

My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.

All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.

I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.

“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”

“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”

“That’s exactly what I just said.”

My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork

[first date]

ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?

That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee

If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby

my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards

me: (in distant background) holy shit.

[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat