My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
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just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Kids, do not try this at home!
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.