Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.

“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail

Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.

Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.

Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*

Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.

Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way

My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.

Me: Can you bring me a burrito

Him: you want me to come over?

Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.

[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”

[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD

“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”

[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]

Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.

Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.

11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?

Me: 12

11:

Me:

11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –

Me: choose your next words wisely.

I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.

BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*

People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.

Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP

[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”

Yes

“Care to elaborate?”

No

hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that

Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.

The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding

I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.

[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”

Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”

holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV

There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.

a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists