Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?

marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u

SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman

ME: there is no bogeyman honey

SON: he’s not real?

ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago

SON:

ME: there was so much blood

SON:

ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer

Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?

Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon

Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.

accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.

It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.

Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change

Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!

I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.

*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*

Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.

My next door neighbor invited me to a party at his place, but he’s creepy, so I didn’t go. The next day when he asked why I didn’t show up, I couldn’t think of an excuse, so I said I couldn’t find parking. He just nodded and said “Next time, take a Uber.”

Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”

“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.

Me: WHOOMP! there it is.

Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.

haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first

When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.

I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.

A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.

Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…

I’ve never actually seen mistletoe in real life. It is an outdated tradition, or do people just take it down when they know I’m visiting?

11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.

Me: Did you check the hamper?

11: Why would it be there?

Why indeed.

guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy

guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop

Ok in hindsight “bite me” was a terrible safe word choice

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.

6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”

I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.

We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.