My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
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Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”