My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
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Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
(flirting with the waitress) so how hot does the oven have to be to melt the tuna?
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro