My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
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Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Yup!
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Me, flirting😏
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Single and childfree like Jesus
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.