My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
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Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
I just ran a .003048K
Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
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Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.