My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
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I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
5 ways to appear taller
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
he looks great for his age
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol