My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
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PARKOUR
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Raisins are grape jerky.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
yeah 😭
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx