Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday

The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.

I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.

All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.

you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato

Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.

I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.

So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?

My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.

i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera

Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES

Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop

Batman: *eyes welling*

I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :

Hugh Janus

And now i can’t stop laughing

[being buttered]

Me: are you sure about this

Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife

Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.

If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.

If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?

“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”

“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?

Cop: I need statements from you both

Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!

Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl

I have no words

~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear

*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats

TIME TRAVELLER: No

WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?

Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.

reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:

-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching

Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.