My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
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Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Can’t. Sorry…
As a recovering nice-aholic I have to abstain from that sort of thing.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
How animals would run if they were human
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.