THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
Me: would that make you happy?
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
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Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
A hug is basically a mini hostage situation.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
If your religion is worth killing for, start with yourself.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?