People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
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Ribbed condoms don’t taste like ribs.
I know this now.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Being popular on Twitter is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
If a movie was named “Home Alone” in 2020, it would be a fantasy film.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.