@causticbob

My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.

It was a picture of her at the airport.

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@thatdutchperson

THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.

ME:

THERAPIST: ok?

Me: would that make you happy?

@loribuckmajor

Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute

and everybody loses their shit!

@iwearaonesie

Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age

@Mardigroan

With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?

@RandomAntics

Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.

@AmericanGent69

Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.

@3sunzzz

[Confessional Booth]

Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?

Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.

@AlanFelyk

Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.

Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?