My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
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*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Room with a view.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
this is the best day of my life
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt