@causticbob

My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.

It was a picture of her at the airport.

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@Theropologist

Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms

@the_paramedicK

Mom: why are your eyes dilated

Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love

Mom: what were you looking at

Me: memes

@Kyle_Lippert

Being popular on Twitter is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.

@RickAaron

My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.

@girlontapas

If a movie was named “Home Alone” in 2020, it would be a fantasy film.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.