@TheMichaelRock

My wife sent me to the store to buy shampoo, conditioner, lotion and condoms. I’m pretty sure the cashier thinks I’m making a girlfriend.

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@SteelCityDawn

Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.

Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.

@stEPH_u_

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

@MattTheBrand

[alternate universe]

teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes

student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today

@blade_funner

You people and your Duck Tales. I was raised on real cartoons about nosy hippies in a sketchy van who were so high they thought their dog could talk.

@Smooheed

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

@JohnLyonTweets

Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.

@BradBroaddus

It really creeps me out the way my neighbor stares at me when I’m looking through her window.

@ronnypascale

Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”

@Chumpstring

I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.