Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.
Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
My wife sent me to the store to buy shampoo, conditioner, lotion and condoms. I’m pretty sure the cashier thinks I’m making a girlfriend.
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Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
You people and your Duck Tales. I was raised on real cartoons about nosy hippies in a sketchy van who were so high they thought their dog could talk.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
It really creeps me out the way my neighbor stares at me when I’m looking through her window.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.