Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.

BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?

3: I hit you in the head with the shovel

me: um, no thank you

3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

“Take one pill on an empty stomach”

Me: What’s an empty stomach?

My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.

NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.

If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.

That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.

– Birds, probably

the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud

why would tinder want me to say this

“What’s that?”

A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.

*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”

Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?

Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.

The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.

*gets down on one knee*

A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.

Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?

Batman: You’re the decoy

Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.

Me: I don’t like scones.

British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.

Me: What do you mean?

British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-

Me: I dont think you like scones either.

Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.

!!!!!!!!!!!

[pharmacy]

“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”

PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?

“No thanks, I already believe in children”

Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve

Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.

King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again

King’s horses:

[Planning Rustic Vacation]

Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?

Her: What’s the difference?

M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.

H: I meant in price.

Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.

Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.

Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.

I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache