My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
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*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
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There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
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*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.