My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
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[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Yup.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
◾️
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.