My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
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That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁
18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.
I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.
She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,
I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
(on a first date) im a ketchup on eggs kinda girl
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.