My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
You Might Also Like
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next