Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot

TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm

I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.

*1st date*

“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”

*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*

“Hellooo soulmate”

And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.

“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”

Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.

I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.

Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.

Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.

CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.

Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath

If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.

*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.

ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows

Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?

Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.

Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.

Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.

Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.

[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary

Any refunds available?…

There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.

“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”

No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.

My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.

Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.

Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”

Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.

Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?

THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!

all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”

NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored

Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.

this is the best interaction on twitter