Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”

My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?

Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians

Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.

If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.

If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration

found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8

If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home

Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.

It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.

I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.

DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser

Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.

A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.

My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs

there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up

To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.

Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.

*seductively peels off lederhosen

HER: I’m an animal activist.

ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.

My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.

Amazing man. Horrible chef.

A door was tried in court.

It was an open and shut case.

Me: i have one pretty serious symptom

WebMD: that you know of

Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?

He replied….chicken.

Thank god he is good looking.

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man

When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.

I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.

[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!

INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?

ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal

When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.