My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
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I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*