My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
You Might Also Like
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
