My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
You Might Also Like
Spoiler Alert: I was late
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Netflix: We have Less