Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious

Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.

Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?

[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”

OH COME ON

Important Valentine’s Day PSA:

Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.

Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!

My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.

The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.

My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it

my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.

Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.

I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words

This chick just said Q as in cucumber.

I’ma just focus on me.

I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.

Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom

I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.

Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez

Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.

I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario

[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]

no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball

I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.

“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up

Me: I said I was sorry

Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*

“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille

Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?

Her: Someone tall.

Me: I’m over six feet.

Her: Someone who likes to travel.

Me: I’ve been to Japan.

Her: Someone with a steady job.

Me: I’ve been working since 1954.

Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?

Me: What? No… *Eats a train*

I’m tired tomorrow.

If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.

A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.

My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.

ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.